The number of single-parent families is increasing everywhere. The 2002 US Census found that three of every ten children were living in a single-parent home. Experts believe the number to be steadily increasing and expect the trend to continue for years to come.

Increasing acceptance of divorce as a solution to marital problems is one social factor supporting the increase in single-parent families. With that acceptance has come greater tolerance for parents without partners.

Single parents face many challenges. They must earn a living and raise their children without the help and support of another adult at home. They face financial difficulties if they don’t receive child support or have a big salary. Their time is over-booked with work, household duties, parent-teacher conferences and PTA meetings, and attempts at private time for rest and relaxation.

Support systems for single parents are growing, but they still frequently feel isolated and alone. New single-parents must cope with children who are having their own problems adjusting to the new lifestyle. They may face anger, feelings of abandonment, and rebelliousness from children who feel they don’t get enough attention.

Although there are no clear census data on the number of single black fathers, experts assume the number to be increasing as well. They express concern that single black fathers may face more pressure than other single parents due to continuing social discrimination, despite less political or legal discrimination.

Many experts assume that males are less equipped to be single parents than females, arguing that men don’t receive the same level of training in domestic tasks and that women are naturally more nurturing care-givers. However, other professionals assert that men are more likely to be objective and logical in their decision-making for the household and that they are more consistent in disciplining their children that women are.

Interviews of African American full-time single fathers conduced by Robert Coles of Marquette University explored why they wanted to be full-time fathers. When the men talked about their motivations, they listed fulfilling their responsibilities, reworking their own feelings about their absent fathers, being a role model, and maintaining an established relationship with their children.

Several new studies have been conducted by experts and psychologists trying to learn more about black single-parenting. There are also a number of websites containing information and advice focusing on the black male’s single-parenting experience.
The following articles are examples of the literature available on the Internet targeting black male single parents.

1. “Parent Trapped: Dating for Single Parents.” Penned anonymously by a male single parent, this article talks about the author’s experiences with dating as a single parent. Assuming his experiences can be generalized to other men and to black single fathers, readers can relate to his joys and challenges.

2. “The Bad Rap Against Mothers.” This article was published in a popular main-stream magazine several years ago, but it remains fresh and relevant. Its author is a single mother who was abandoned by her black male partner.

3. “The Bad Rap Against Mothers, Part 2.” A second part to the previous article, Part 2 more carefully describes and analyzes the challenges presented by single parenthood for mothers. The author imagines what life might have been if she had been the one to leave the relationship. Explaining her argument, the author believes that single parents are well-positioned to raise “exceptional men” who have good manners and lofty principles.

4. “Come Back Home” inspiring excerpt is from the popular “Chicken Soup for the Single Parent: Stories of Hope, Healing and Humor.” This selection acknowledges that everyone’s experience with single parenting is highly personal and that each single parent has their own story to tell.

5. “Get More Time with your Children and Manage Your Child Support” was written for black single-parent males, but it will be equally touching and valuable for white single fathers. The article gives insights into the personal and financial issues single-parent males face.

6. “Dreaming Through the Twilight” is as sweet and mushy as its title but at the same time profound. It is also available as a book that compiles personal diary-type articles on black single-parent males having difficulty coping with their life as single parents.

We of the baby-boomer generation are feeling the pressure as we provide care for our elderly parents.  It is painful as we helplessly watch our loved one’s experience the impact of failing health.  We feel powerless against the ravages of deteriorating health and mourn our losses as our parents begin the descent involving their incapacity to live independently.  Children undergo the process of grieving as our parents move closer to the end of their lives.  Family dynamics may shift. 

 

The process of grieving hopefully may bring healing and closure to children who care-take for elderly parents.  However, more typically, it takes its toll in creating upheaval and conflict among the children.  As elderly parents come to the end of their lives, the grieving process may serve as a catalyst which affects core issues and dynamics among the surviving children.  If there are unresolved issues harbored by any family member, they will invariably surface during this time of distress.  Grieving and loss have a way of opening the door for unfinished psychological business that has been “swept under the rug.”  One can only hide the pain for so long and then inevitably the truth, wrapped in emotional baggage, will make itself known. 

 

The children of an aging parent are forced to deal with a myriad of new decisions and problems.  However, legal, financial, and questions related a parent’s possessions tend to be the focal point for conflict among siblings during the process of parental decline.  Children, who face these issues with their unresolved baggage, create tension for the entire family system.  Hopefully, parents help minimize the impact of sibling conflict by structuring their will and financial matters effectively.

 

Quibbling over finances or belongings may represent the way in which children play out their unresolved conflicts toward the elderly parent and their interaction with each other.  They may feud over jewelry and other personal possessions belonging to the parent, leaving the elderly parent feeling resentful or guilt-ridden.  The turmoil may exacerbate the parent’s declining health.  Misunderstandings may exist over who gets what and when.  Interpersonal conflict emerges when the grieving process serves as a metaphor for unfinished family business.  Although most parents dread the prospects, it is not unusual for children to break communication with each other after the death of their parent. 

 
Because feelings are more intense during the declining health of an elderly parent, the children are more prone to become reactive.  Reactivity leads to anxiety, and anxiety promotes misunderstanding and defensive communication.  Like the advent of premarital counseling, perhaps there should be therapy for children who are trying to navigate the process of caretaking for an elderly parent in deteriorating health. 

 

What are some of the ways that children can cope more effectively while caretaking for an elderly parent and avoid the traps that cause interpersonal damage?

 

Make sure that there are legal documents in place, including a will, durable power of attorney, and a trust.  They should be updated, particularly if there is any transition from state to state. Make sure that your parent specifies, outside of the will, items to be distributed equitably to all family members. Children of the elderly need to work on responding, by promoting understanding, rather than reacting with defensiveness and resentment. Children should seek professional counseling assistance when they are unable to manage their personal grief and it begins to affect their functioning as well as other family members. Learn to keep things in perspective.  Money and things are not worth severing relationships and causing hurt feelings within the family.  Our legacy and our families should be based on the quality of our relationships. 

 

Caretaking for the elderly is a difficult process.  It takes patience, wisdom, and the ability to sort out issues related to our parents and siblings.  We must take the high road consisting of integrity when dealing with our family members.  There are not guarantees that they will do the same.  Nevertheless, we must vow to make peace with our past, care for our parents, and let go of our loved ones in a way that will bring peace and healing to our life.  In doing so, we will never have regrets.

In 1970, 90% of all children under eighteen years of age lived in homes with two parents. In 2006, only 70% of children under eighteen years of age lived with two parents. Thus, the number of children living with one parent tripled from 8.5 million in 1970 to 20.6 million 2006. Clearly, single-parent families have become much more common across the United States. In highly urban areas, single parents lead a complex and difficult life. Concerns about crime, economic pressures, time demands, and the busy pace of life make single parenting a stressful challenge.

Single Parents Raising Kids, or SPARK, is an association of single parents living in Montgomery County in the State of Maryland in the United States. SPARK also covers single parents in areas near Montgomery County and Maryland.

SPARK was formed in 1987 by nine people who have successfully met the challenges of life as single parents. The founders’ goal was to give single parents the tools they need to deal with the stressful issues they already had faced and overcome.

About SPARK

Single Parents Raising Kids is a non-governmental organization whose mission is to build a community where single parents in the area can interact, build new friendships, and share their experiences.

SPARK provides a forum where single parents in Maryland can support each other, share their the lessons they’ve learned through their common experiences, and help members learn from their successes and their mistakes.

SPARK fulfills its mission by encouraging active participation of its members in a balanced program that fosters strong, happy families. The group offers social and educational opportunities for each member.

SPARK is an active organization that publishes a calendar of events each month to provide informal, friendly social gatherings where members can relax and enjoy building relationships with others who share their life experience.

Examples of such activities include concerts, movies, dinners, and classes that help members get to know each other and interact in comfortable, enjoyable surroundings.

SPARK Management and Operation

Not-for-profit SPARK exists solely to fulfill its advocacy role for and commitments to single parents. It is not involved in, nor does it support, any other causes or organizations.

SPARK exists as a social support group. It does not generate income for its founders, leaders, or members. Its only compensation is the satisfaction of knowing that it creates the opportunity for support, social interaction, and sharing of hard-earned wisdom for its single parent members.

SPARK is directed and operated by volunteers. Operating expenses are funded entirely through voluntary contributions from and raised by its single parent members.
Based in Maryland and covering nearby states, SPARK is open to all single parents with children under eighteen years of age, whether or not the parent has legal custody of the child or children.

SPARK’s Purpose

The Single Parents Raising Kids organization’s purpose is to give members practical, constructive ideas for resolving social, emotional, and monetary problems that come with single parenthood. SPARK provides social situations where single parents know they are not alone. With this in mind, SPARK gives single parents opportunities for:

• Participation with other single parents in wholesome and fun activities.

• Learning and generating more knowledge about problems and solutions for single parents.

• Sharing what they have learned that could benefit other single parents.

Reflections on Single Parenting

Today’s single parents are more fortunate than those in the past generations. The days when single parents were ostracized or looked down by the society have passed. Today, single parenthood doesn’t carry the stigma and social burden associated in the old days with a failing marriage or pregnancy out of wedlock.

The single parents of today are lucky to have available to them the opportunity to enjoy the support and issue-oriented groups and activities to help them out meet the burdens of raising children alone.

Organizations like SPARK could have helped many a single parent in the past. But it’s better late than never. Thank God, single parents can now get support from SPARK.

Having enjoyed success in making life better for single parents in the area, SPARK hopes the approach will expand from Maryland to the rest of the world.

To learn more about the organization or get information on events, contact SPARK headquarters at SPARK Incorporated, PO Box 288, Rockville, Maryland 20848.

The parent-child relationship is at its most challenging when your child inhabits that wildly unpredictable phase that is often termed as ‘adolescence’ or ‘the teenage years’. Parents and teens go through a lot of ups and downs and encountering frustrated teenagers and equally frustrated parents is not an uncommon sight. Many parents feel as if they are dealing with complete strangers when interacting with their teens and they are at a loss as to the best way of connecting meaningfully with their teenage child. This becomes all the more difficult when parents are routinely subjected to the slamming of doors on their faces, disrespectful and cheeky back-talk and a judgmental attitude on the part of their kids.

If you are a parent who identifies with these parent and teen situations, the best way to react is to be objective and look within yourself first. In the first place, is some particular trait in you triggering a violent response from your child? Do you truly empathize with the problems of your child? Do you even know what problems your child encounters on a daily basis or are you relatively alienated from the life that your child leads? If you are ignorant of your child’s daily activities, have you made any serious effort to rectify the situation or have you just shrugged it off and decided to think about it later?

When answering these questions, honesty is essential. By being truthful, you might find the solutions to these problems within yourself and won’t need to take any professional help to reach a state of understanding and mutual respect with your teenage child. Parents need to realize that during the adolescent years, the teenage child is grappling with the world her or she lives in. She is neither completely an adult nor is she a child and a perfect balance is very difficult to attain. This is an age when the child has to deal with so many different issues and that too, on her own. Some amount of anger and rebellion in the parent-teen equation is only natural and should not surprise or disappoint you as a parent. There are certain things that you can do, however, that will lessen the trauma and create a better rapport with your teen.

First on this list is being a good listener. How many times do we get angry when others do not listen to us? Why, then, do we become inattentive when our child is narrating something that is apparently important to him/her? Is it because we think that we can get away with it or is it because we consider their issues too trivial for serious consideration? What you as a parent need to realize about your children is that their life and their problems are very overwhelming to them. Adult or not, you need to accord them the dignity of being a rational human being and treat them in a respectful manner. There are lots of parents who have unimaginably busy schedules which make it difficult for them to talk to their teenage children daily and find out what is going on in their lives. For such parents, delegating quality talk-time on weekends to their children will go a long way in establishing a great parent and teen sensibility.

The next thing that you need to remember is not to be emotionally affected when your teen hurls a scathing comment at you. If you react in a similar manner and become abusive, you will lose the trust of your child forever. This does not mean that you become a punching bag and take whatever comes your way. You just need to be firm and cool when your child is being particularly insulting and state that such behavior will not be tolerated in your vocabulary of the parent-teen relationship. As for your personal feelings, you need to understand that what makes your children so audacious is their certainty of your support, no matter what they say.
There are a large majority of parents who do not make their kids feel secure. They are over-critical and judgmental about their children. This can lead to terrible consequences with the teenage child. Not only is there a serious possibility of your teenage child being rebellious and moody, he may start rejecting every idea that you put forth. Teenage children need large doses of encouragement and approval from their parents for their personal growth and you need to be aware of this when interacting with them.

You also need to introspect and analyze your ways of expressing your anger or frustration. Do you lose control and give vent to excessive language or gestures when you are angry or hurt? Perhaps your teenager has observed these traits in you and unconsciously internalized them. If this is the case, then it is time to acknowledge the fact and try to bring about a change in yourself before you try and correct your susceptible teenager. This can also be a wonderful method to establish great comfort levels in the parent and teen relationship.

However, you also need to understand that certain situations rightly provoke anger in your teenage child. Rather than indulging in the blame game at this juncture, you should talk to your child and discuss the other alternatives that could have helped to cope with the situation better. This kind of discussion will help your child probe the choices that were available to him or her and deal with similar situations in a more matured manner. It will also help to cement the parent-teen tie and cause your child to look upon you as a benign guide who is always ready to stand by him or her.

Another sensible move on your part would be to assign your teenager with responsibilities and give them more control over their lives. Having the power to take personal decisions is extremely valuable to the teenage child and most of them will use it wisely since they do not want their parents to be disappointed in them. Of course, if you have serious reason to mistrust your child, this is a step that you have to re-consider. In most cases, though, the teenage child will appreciate your treatment and trust and behave in a manner that will make you proud as a parent.

These are some small steps that can transform the relationship between parents and teens into something that is incredibly precious and beautiful. What you ultimately need to remember is that thoughtful parenting during the teenage years will go a long way in developing great adults who will always look upon parents as their friends.