In intact relationships, parents do not usually consider how decisions are made with regard to the care of the children, let along who would carry out the various parenting tasks. However, once parents are living separate and apart, these issues must be clearly specified, understood and agreed upon to avoid conflict and assure proper care.

A Parenting Plan is a written agreement between separated parents setting out the rules and structures for the ongoing care of the children. Parenting plans are constructed with sensitivity to the developmental and cultural needs of the children and the ability of the parents to meet those needs given respective parental strengths, weaknesses and willingness.

Parenting Plans are generally developed on a consensus-building model between the parents, whose efforts may be supported by others. Depending on the nature and quality of support required, supports may include legal counsel, parenting coaches, child specialists, family specialists and other specialists with knowledge, expertise and training in matters such as: mental health, addictions, domestic violence, child development and the like.

As with the development of any plan between separated parents, it is necessary to be mindful of power and control issues and imbalances that could give rise to lop-sided agreements; agreements not necessarily in the best interests of the children; or agreements that may perpetuate harm or may place persons at risk of harm.

Parenting Plans typically contemplate matters in terms of responsibilities and authority as well as set out rules and structure for the direct care of the children between the parents. By way of example, one parent may retain authority for deciding a medical procedure, yet the other parent may be responsible for assuring attendance and implementation of the decision.

In view of the above, the Parenting Plan document will usually address at least, the following:
Distribution of time the children are in each parents’ care; Consideration for holidays, birthdays, special occasions, religious days, summer vacation; Transfer of care of children between the parents including transportation arrangements; Purchase/exchange of belongings; Healthcare decisions and responsibilities; Access to information; Extracurricular activities (how choices are made and rules for parental attendance); Involvement of new partners/family; Change of name; Religion; Education; Parental communication; Decision making processes and dispute resolution processes; Limits/rules on mobility and/or travel; Date or circumstances for review; Considerations for special problems (geographical distances, mental health, abuse/violence, etc.)

Parents are advised to consider the input of a professional with experience in these matters to be assured that their plan is appropriate to the developmental, emotional, psychological and safety needs of the child.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

(905) 628-4847

gary@yoursocialworker.com

http://www.yoursocialworker.com

I admire and respect single parents. They overcome many hardships and challenges, which they face with grace, all the while caring for their children and creating a safe, happy family.

But, you know, single parents are human. They have human emotions and human needs. They need love and affection not only from their children but from other adults who are not also relatives. Like most of us, they need a companion for their life journey.

Some people tell me it’s not right or appropriate for single parents to go on dates. They say that the time for dating in single parent’s life has passed – that the family and children are everything. They tell me that single parents who date are promiscuous or irresponsible.

I strongly disagree. I think single parents have as much right to a social life as anyone. After all, they are single, aren’t they?

Everyone needs love, and most of us want a partner in life. To let society’s whims force us to be lonely is wrong. Single people have a right to be happy and to find someone who will want to help them and support their children.

When you’re the only adult in a household, raising a family is hard. Kids really need two parents when they’re growing up to get a healthy balance of role models and realistic ideas about gender issues. A single parent can’t give that to their children.

And children always grow up and move away. They have families and lives of their own. If a single parent shouldn’t date, you’re saying they are doomed to grow old alone. That just doesn’t seem right.

Some people seem to think that single parents must meet different standards than the rest of us. They may think single parents are immoral people just because they have children and aren’t married. Single moms get criticized for getting pregnant too early or getting pregnant without a husband. Single dads may be accused of being irresponsible or of being more likely to cheat in a relationship. What are people thinking?

The truth is that almost all single parents are hard-working responsible people who care about their families and love their children deeply. They work hard to make a good living for their family and to balance work with school functions with no one to share the burden. It just makes me mad when I hear people judging others for what they assume to be personal mistakes. It just isn’t so.
But single parents may be the best potential mates a person could find. They are mature and responsible. They are obviously committed to their families and children, or they wouldn’t be struggling with the single-parent lifestyle now. It’s the best thing in the world when a single parent dates and finds a partner to build a new life and a strong, normal family.

Finding a partner isn’t easy for single parents. First, they are carrying some baggage from their previous relationship. Whether it ended in death or divorce, there are feelings and habits to break. Second, they have children, which can be a real problem for some singles who don’t have children.

When you’re dating a single parent, you have to accept that they have another set of important priorities in their daily life. You may be tempted to try to compete with them. But that would be a mistake, because you’d always lose. The best thing to do is to accept them for who they are and what their life is like today.

You need to recognize that they love their children very much, and you need to respect that. After you meet the children and get to know them, you will most likely love them too. After all, when you’re in a serious relationship with a single parent, you’re really in a relationship with a family. The kids come with the package.

You may have to deal with some single-parent-specific issues if you want a serious long-term relationship with them. They may have been hurt badly in the past, and they could have some trust issues. You’ll have to show them over time that you can be trusted.

My guess is that you’ll have to demonstrate your maturity, responsibility, and loving nature before a real relationship can get off the ground. And once you gain their trust, you’ll have to earn the trust of their children. That could be even more difficult, since the kids may thing you’re trying to replace the missing parent in their hearts.

The kids will be protective and possessive of their single parent. You might as well be prepared for that. They may suspect that you have evil intentions. Or if the previous relationship was marked with a lot of fighting or violence, they may fear a repeat of those very uncomfortable times.

By being a friend without being pushy, you may be able to begin a relationship with the children. You’ll have to be tolerant of and patient with their moods and suspicion. You’ll have to be loving at the same time you acknowledge they already have (or had) another parent. You’ll have to take it slow with the kids, one step at a time, to build a relationship that will someday be a strong foundation for the happy, healthy family you hope to have with their single parent.

Separated parents may take issue with each other if there are any differences in parenting style, expectations or structure.

However, while consistency of parenting style, expectations and structure are helpful they are not rigidly required. Even among intact families there can be remarkable differences between the parents yet the children are not harmed by the experience. Other evidence that children are not necessarily harmed by differences in style, expectations or structure comes by looking at the normal course of children’s lives in areas other than home life.

When not at home, children may be subject to the care of alternate care providers, schoolteachers, baby sitters, coaches and instructors. Suffice it to say; virtually all children learn to differentiate the styles, expectations and structures imposed by all these different people and situations and thrive. Hence children learn to run during soccer, yet walk on the deck at the swimming pool. Whereas in one class they may be required to sit quietly, in another they may be allowed to ask questions directly of the teacher. Therefore different teachers will impose a variety of expectations and children learn to differentiate between them and manage accordingly. The only way a problem would develop is if one teacher demands of the children that they follow the same rules in the other teacher’s class as their own.

As parental differences become known, some parents may seek to use these differences as cause for limiting the other parent’s relationship, influence or time with the child or may seek to impose their style, expectations and structure, or way of doing things on the other parent.

Parents need to appreciate they can have different styles, expectations and structure, as does virtually every teacher have their own way of managing a classroom. Assuming a parent’s behaviour is not lawless or abusive and the child progresses developmentally appropriately, different parental styles, expectations and structure can actually benefit the child as the child learns to adapt and manage a variety of situations.

With regard to child development, it is usually not parental differences that is harmful to children, but rather conflict between parents over their differences. Children can adapt to parents’ differences but being drawn into their conflict is distressing and distracting.
Parents who are distressed over their differences are advised to determine if the differences are truly significant or just irksome to themselves before raising objections. If the child is perturbed by parental differences and brings issue from one parent to the other, it can be advisable to redirect the child back to the other parent to discuss the issue directly. In so doing, the child learns to communicate their concerns directly and parents maintain a more appropriate boundary between themselves. This is in much the same way as one teacher wouldn’t take on the issues of another teacher, but would redirect the student to deal directly with the other teacher.

Given the opportunity most parents appreciate being able to manage their own relationship with their children without intrusion. If a parent looks unreasonable, it may be that they are just annoyed for having their style, expectations and structure dictated by the other parent. Parents are advised to be certain parental differences are truly problematic before taking issue. If unsure, parents are advised to consider obtaining guidance from a parenting expert with expertise working with separated parents.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

(905) 628-4847

gary@yoursocialworker.com

http://www.yoursocialworker.com