There is a quote attributed to Sigmund Freud, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”. So too of childhood behaviour and incidents; they may be simply within the range of normal childhood life. However, in the context of high conflict separated parents, the simple explanation can get transplanted with extraordinary suspicions and theories.

Normal childhood development has toddler-age children exploring their bodies, discovering the genitals and anus and taking pleasure from self-touching. They are at the toilet training stage of life and hence are drawn by normal parenting behaviour to attend to these body parts. In intact families as children are observed to engage in self-stimulation and genital play, they are simply redirected to either stop, or to engage privately at appropriate time and place. In the context of high conflict separated parents, there is a risk to ascribe these childhood behaviours to sinister behaviour on the part of one of the parents. So a parent may inadvertently bring greater attention to the child’s behaviour and thus actually reinforce the concerning behaviour themselves while at the same time alleging sexual abuse at the hands of the other parent.

As preschoolers, children take flight on playground equipment. They may be learning to ride their two-wheeler. Hence this is a time of childhood injuries, particularly bruises, bumped heads and broken arms. In the context of high conflict separated parents, a parent may be suspicious of child-abuse in view of injuries and use the situation to allege physical abuse or at least neglect. However, and again, even in intact families, children can get hurt; bump their heads and fall from bikes and playground equipment.

As school age children try to get their own way, they naturally try to pit parents against each other. They will use whatever strategy works. Kids may tell you that other kids are getting or doing what is desired or they may tell you that the “other parent” let’s them do as requested. In intact families, parents simply call their children on manipulative behaviour or at least check with the other parent to determine if what the child is saying is true. However, in the context of high conflict separated parents, a parent may take what a child says at face value and believe that the other parent is undermining their own parenting or the values of the child.

In intact families or even between separated parents with good communication, normal childhood events tend not to escalate with suspicion and drama. Issues are nipped in the bud and children are redirected to appropriate behaviour. Injuries are attended to without additional fanfare. A parent may feel guilty for a child’s injury, but not blamed per se.

In the context of high conflict separated parents, normal childhood behaviour and incidents can take on epic proportions. Otherwise normal behaviour can lead to suspicion or be used against a parent to undermine care and custody. As one parent cries foul, the other cries parental alienation syndrome. The fight is on and heats up to the point of boiling over. The child is caught in the middle and their behaviour escalates as a result. Both parents then use the child’s behaviour as evidence of their own claim against the other.
Here is where a good assessment is so necessary. The assessor will tease out normal from abnormal childhood behaviour and incidents and determine how much of a child’s behaviour is attributable to just the conflict between the parents versus truly sinister behaviour deliberately aimed at harming or neglecting a child.

Parents beware though. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, despite suspicion.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

(905) 628-4847

gary@yoursocialworker.com

http://www.yoursocialworker.com

A Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) is a legal action that terminates all of a parents rights to make decisions for a child or to care for that child.

A Termination of Parental Rights may be voluntary or involuntary. All too often parents are pressured into relinquishing their rights based on allegations of abuse, neglect or abandonment. The consequences are significant and long lasting. A parent should never enter into such proceedings unrepresented. The result is often final.

Under Minnesota Statutes, a juvenile court may, upon petition, terminate ALL rights of a parent to a child. It may do so:



with the written consent of a parent who for good cause desires to terminate parental rights (Note: wishing to avoid a child support obligation is not “good cause);

if it finds that one or more of the following conditions exist:



that the parent has abandoned the child;

that the parent has substantially, continuously, or repeatedly refused or neglected to comply with the duties imposed upon that parent by the parent and child relationship, including but not limited to providing the child with necessary food, clothing, shelter, education, and other care and control necessary for the child’s physical, mental, or emotional health and development, if the parent is physically and financially able, and either reasonable efforts by the social services agency have failed to correct the conditions that formed the basis of the petition or reasonable efforts would be futile and therefore unreasonable;

that a parent has been ordered to contribute to the support of the child or financially aid in the child’s birth and has continuously failed to do so without good cause. This clause shall not be construed to state a grounds for termination of parental rights of a noncustodial parent if that parent has not been ordered to or cannot financially contribute to the support of the child or aid in the child’s birth;

that a parent is palpably unfit to be a party to the parent and child relationship because of a consistent pattern of specific conduct before the child or of specific conditions directly relating to

the parent and child relationship either of which are determined by the court to be of a duration or nature that renders the parent unable, for the reasonably foreseeable future, to care appropriately for the ongoing physical, mental, or emotional needs of the child. It is presumed that a parent is palpably unfit to be a party to the parent and child relationship upon a showing that the parent’s parental rights to one or more other children were involuntarily terminated or that the parent’s custodial rights to another child have been involuntarily transferred to a relative under section 260C.201, Subd 11, paragraph (e), clause (1), or a similar law of another jurisdiction;

that following the child’s placement out of the home, reasonable efforts, under the direction of the court, have failed to correct the conditions leading to the child’s placement. It is presumed that reasonable efforts under this clause have failed upon a showing that:



(i) a child has resided out of the parental home under court order for a cumulative period of 12 months within the preceding 22 months. In the case of a child under age eight at the time the petition was filed alleging the child to be in need of protection or services, the presumption arises when the child has resided out of the parental home under court order for six months unless the parent has maintained regular contact with the child and the parent is complying with the out-of-home placement plan;

the court has approved the out-of-home placement plan required under section 260C.212 and filed with the court under section 260C.178;

conditions leading to the out-of-home placement have not been corrected. It is presumed that conditions leading to a child’s out-of-home placement have not been corrected upon a showing that the parent or parents have not substantially complied with the court’s orders and a reasonable case plan; and

reasonable efforts have been made by the social services agency to rehabilitate the

parent and reunite the family It should be noted that that parental right may be terminated prior to one year, or in the case of a child under age eight, prior to six months after a child has been placed out of the home.

It is also presumed that reasonable efforts have failed under this clause upon a showing that:


the parent has been diagnosed as chemically dependent by a professional certified to make the diagnosis;

the parent has been required by a case plan to participate in a chemical dependency treatment program;

the treatment programs offered to the parent were culturally, linguistically, and clinically appropriate;

the parent has either failed two or more times to successfully complete a treatment program or has refused at two or more separate meetings with a caseworker to participate in a treatment program; and

the parent continues to abuse chemicals.









that a child has experienced egregious harm in the parent’s care which is of a nature, duration, or chronicity that indicates a lack of regard for the child’s well-being, such that a reasonable person would believe it contrary to the best interest of the child or of any child to being in the parent’s care;

that in the case of a child born to a mother who was not married to the child’s father when the child was conceived nor when the child was born the person is not entitled to notice of an adoption hearing under section 259.49 and the person has not registered with the fathers’ adoption registry under section 259.52;

that the child is neglected and in foster care; or

that the parent has been convicted of a crime listed in section 260.012, paragraph b,

clauses (1) to (3).



In an action involving an American Indian child, sections 260.751 to 260.835 and the Indian Child Welfare Act, United States Code, title 25, sections 1901 to 1923, control to the extent that the provisions of this section are inconsistent with those laws.





A termination of parental rights requires a high standard of proof and must be proven by clear and convincing evidence. Any person with knowledge of the circumstances may seek to terminate parental rights. The end result of a termination is that the all rights of the parent may be terminated but it does not extinguish that parents responsibility to pay any past balance for child support.

Parenthood is a feeling of completeness. It is a thread woven of memories. Memories of happy and sad times, of pain and of joy. Parenthood is a continuous activity, it is a process in itself. Parenthood process is irreversible. We all take birth, grow up, grow old and finally find peace in God. This is a human life cycle, which cannot be altered, so is parenting process. Once a parent, is a parent forever. Parenting process helps evolve a person, as a child, as a parent and above all as a human being. Parenting process affects our personality, our attitude towards life over time and throughout the course of the life cycle.

The process of evolving in parenthood, becoming a parent is a gratifying and pleasing experience but also very demanding and nerve-racking. We would request and suggest that parenting process is the right time to greet and embrace the change of a lifetime.

Someone, very rightly said, it is tough to understand the parenting process unless you become a parent yourselves.

As a new member of parenting process, the new parent must understand the significance of a mother and a father in the life of your child. It is usually assumed that a mother plays most important role in parenting process. But, to completely neglect a fathers position in parenting process is not right. An affectionate, time devoting father, who participates in the child’s daily activities, help shape up the child’s personality in a manner which mother cannot do. This paternal element of closeness in parenting process helps develop the child emotionally as well as mentally. Parenting process, thus emphasizes that love of both the parents is a healthy and healing experience for the child. We would suggest that if the child is considered to be fruit of parenting process, mother and father are the roots of parenting process.
A very important understanding and learning of parenting process is that, as a parent you are always at the giving side of the relation. Parenting process states that you should not expect returns from your children. To give all your love and support to your child, is an eternal element of parenting process.

The other important key factor of parenting process is that the parent must learn a fact that children learn what they see. As a parent you must preach only what you proclaim, you yourselves know. Children are a mirror of what they see. So being a parent, as a learning of parenting process, parent must not introduce children to tension, confusion in life or any sort of harsh or fight behavior, at least through the family. Children replicate what they see, so mark your actions and words; this is the base of parenting process.

At the crux of parenting process, be positive in your attitude, and your child will follow. Be hopeful, full of energy and life, accept challenges, strive to achieve the perfection, this way the parenting process will help shape-up the personality and identity of your child.

ATTACHMENT PARENTING:  PARENTING IN A DETACHED SOCIETY

By Stephanie Lehane  (January 2009)

There is a modern-day debate surrounding a centuries old practice that has been coined “attachment parenting”.  To first understand the controversy, one must define the term attachment parenting.  Attachment parenting is a way of child-rearing that serves as a guideline, rather than a rulebook, for parents to better understand the non-verbal communication they receive from their infants, babies, and children.   At odds with this concept is the parenting style popularized at the beginning of the twentieth century and passed down for several generations since. 

The three main modalities of attachment parenting as they relate to infants and babies are  breastfeeding, babywearing, and co-sleeping.  It seems the mere mention of any or all of these invites a plethora of advice and opinion.   In the face of all of the scientific data pointing toward breastfeeding as the best form of nutrition for babies, women of previous generations will often advise that new mothers bottle-feed.  This same troupe of well-intended matriarchs often tends to rally behind the concept that a baby, even an infant, can be spoiled.   And of course nursing mothers who opt to co-sleep with their infants receive dire warnings of increased risk for SIDS and children who will be in high school still climbing into bed with mom and dad.  Yet, for centuries, mothers out of instinct and necessity carried, cuddled, breastfed, and co-slept with their babies.  It wasn’t until the advent of modern medicine and the advancements of science that mothers began to question their innate sensibilities in favor of advice from professionals, typically men, who would tell them that there is a new and improved way to raise a healthy baby. 

THE CONTROVERSY

Breastfeeding

All mammals nurse their young.  So why is this form of feeding and nurturing human babies controversial and how and when did it come under attack?  To be sure, breastfeeding mothers have an easier time avoiding stares and unsolicited advice when they choose to feed their babies in public today than they did a decade ago.  But some stigma still exists as a throwback to a more puritan, sterile era where doctors and formula companies alike, worked to convince society that not only was formula a better choice for babies, bottle-feeding was a more modest option for women.  The first commercial baby formula was invented in 1860 by Henri Nestle in Switzerland and became popularized during the Industrial Revolution when women were leaving the home to work in factories.  Bottle feeding reached its height in popularity during World War II with only 20-30% of women in the U.S. breastfeeding at all.   Many women still choose to bottle feed their babies today as it is seen as a more convenient method, in spite of the American Academy of Pediatrics’ current recommendation to exclusively breastfeed infants for six months and continue to nurse through age one.  However, breastfeeding is gaining in popularity during the Information Age where modern parents are growing confident in its overwhelming benefits for both baby and mother.  According to renowned pediatrician and father of eight, Dr. William Sears, not only is breast milk a sound nutritional choice, but the act of breastfeeding itself encourages the bond between mother and child.  In order to become successful at breastfeeding, mothers must be able to interpret baby’s cues and trust in their own instincts.  Mothers become child-centered and focus on their babies’ needs and how to meet them.  Likewise, baby is able to tap into and interpret her mother’s social signals and trust that her needs will be met.  A symbiotic relationship develops wherein both parties to the breastfeeding partnership must ebb and flow together.  Breastfeeding is often viewed as the first and most important aspect of attachment parenting.

Babywearing

Babywearing in all its various forms dates back to the origins of recorded history.  Anthropologists have uncovered ancient etchings depicting women carrying their babies wrapped in cloth as they worked, walked, and cared for older children.  Across cultural lines, many methods of wearing babies exists and a recently there has been a resurgence in popularity in the developed world.  However, around the same time as breastfeeding began to decline, so did the art and practice of babywearing, particularly in the West, and for the same reasons.  Mothers began to listen to the advice of their doctors who explained that holding and carrying their babies too much would lead to spoiled babies.  All sorts of inventions and devices, such as strollers and playpens, began to emerge as places for women to put their babies so as not to spoil them.  It took only a couple of generations to figure out that the opposite is actually true.  Babies who don’t receive enough tactile stimulation from being held are less organized, cry more, and in extreme cases experience “failure to thrive” which means they do not grow and develop as they should.  Recently, a Motrin ad was pulled because of the backlash from a new generation of babywearing moms and dads offended at the ads suggestion that babywearing is a new fad, something done to be seen as trendy and fashionable.  These parents opine that carrying baby close to them is not only convenient, but is a wonderfully fulfilling way to build a bond with their baby.  There are several different styles of babywearing devices such as slings, pouches, wraps and carriers and in some areas parents can find consultants to help them decide which style is best for them and their lifestyle. 
Co-sleeping

This is perhaps the most controversial of all of the different areas of attachment parenting.  Certainly, it may seem odd to western parents used to the concept of creating a separate nursery for baby, complete with crib, changing table, dresser, and rocking chair.  Historically, co-sleeping, or the practice whereby infants, babies, and/or children sleep in the same bed with their parents, has been a common practice worldwide.  Since the nineteenth century, this practice has decreased in popularity in North America, Europe, and Australia as separate sleeping arrangements became affordable and desirable.  Among the reasons opponents of co-sleeping cite in favor of separate sleeping arrangements are the possibility that a parent could roll over and inadvertently crush or suffocate her baby, increased risk of SIDS, and the inability of older babies and children to become independent and sleep alone.  However, recent research has shown significant benefits to babies and parents who co-sleep.  Studies have shown that co-sleeping may actually reduce the risk of SIDS due to the baby mirroring his mothers breathing and sleep-cycle patterns.  This is because a major factor in SIDS deaths may be the inability of babies to regulate their breathing, thereby actually “forgetting” to breathe.  Additionally, babies in the family bed experience shorter and fewer deep-sleep states.  This is important because prolonged states of deep sleep, such as occur after long bouts of crying or sleeping alone, are potentially another major cause of SIDS.  (Note:  co-sleeping is not recommended when parents smoke, use drugs or alcohol, or are obese).   But the number one benefit proponents of co-sleeping cite is more sleep for all.   The family bed may be particularly convenient for breastfeeding mothers who can easily resume nursing until both mother and child drift peacefully back to sleep.  These mothers point out that there is no awakening to the piercing cries of a hungry baby, frightened and alone, adrenaline pumping for all as bottles are warmed and parents attempt to stay awake to feed him, only to have him re-awak
en when returned to a cold crib sheet.

So it seems that modern parents are beginning to embrace the wisdom of ancient times.  As tightly-knit communities wane in favor of loosely-knit networks, individuals are more connected and yet more alone.  The paradox of today’s society is that it is both easier and more difficult than ever to be a successful parent.  There is more information available to parents than at any time in history.  Yet, information comes at a price:  if not careful, it can take the place of instinct.  In the end, the best approach for parents is to read, research, and understand available parenting methods and then trust themselves and their babies to do what is best.

Ref.  Baby Matters, Dr. Linda Palmer

         Askdrsears.com, Dr. William Sears

         Breastfeeding in a Bottle Feeding Culture, Tina Rychlik

         Wikipedia

There are many ideas about how to raise children. Many new parents re-call how their mom and dad parented them and make parenting decisions based on what they did or did not like about how their parents raised them. In addition to re-calling memories from their childhood, they also reach out to gain support and advice from friends and family or maybe even take a parenting class. A very popular way to gain knowledge about parenting is to read books or an article on parenting styles written by Pediatricians or Psychologists. There are many different ways to raise children, but parents can now seek out Specialists to discover the parenting styles and practices that are the most effective and that lead to a positive outcome.

If you take the time to find an article on parenting styles you will find that parenting styles come in three main categories. These styles are Authoritarian, Permissive, and Democratic. Parents can be a mixture of these styles or fall in one or more categories. How a person was raised can have a lot to do with what type of parenting style they will have as parents themselves.

The Authoritarian parent always tries to be in control of their children. They set rules and expect for them to be followed. They usually do not like for their children to ask questions about why they are told to do something. Authoritarian parents, in general, are not very warm and affectionate to their children. Despite loving their children very much they are very critical of their children’s short comings. Children of these parents have a difficult time thinking for them self, as they are always told what to do and never have a chance to develop critical thinking skills.
In an article on parenting styles, the Permissive parent is described as one who has few rules or boundaries for their children. They are very warm and loving to their children despite their children’s faults or achievements. However, Permissive parents do sometimes get overwhelmed with the negative behavior of their children and don’t know how to fix it because they have gotten into the pattern of not enforcing rules and boundaries with their children.

The Democratic parenting style is one in which parents engage their children into discussions and rules setting. They allow their children to see what the consequences of their actions will be and help them to avoid pitfalls of those actions. If you read an article on parenting styles, you will find that the Democratic parent is more of a teacher than the obedience police. They allow natural consequences of their children’s actions to be the lesson. They do set reasonable and age appropriate boundaries for their children and are warm and loving despite performance.

As you can see, there are different styles of parenting to choose from. It is your choice as a parent to choose which style you want to have, and not just fall into one because that’s how you were raised. Be the parent that you want to be!

Want to successfully raise your children after divorce? Communication is a must! Though many divorcing couples would like nothing better than to sever ties, former spouses do become co parents. And clearly some co parenting situations are stressful. The negotiation process, which may have failed during the marriage, is dissolved. Many of the responsibilities of the past are gone with the onset of divorce; however, one remains. Co parenting your children is an ongoing, life-long job.

After divorce, parents sometimes feel free to express themselves and make individual parenting choices. This parenting isolation, however, puts children in a difficult situation. Children who are raised in two homes with two distinctive styles can become confused and emotionally unsettled. Parents need to remain in contact, which isn’t so easy if parents don’t like each other. At times, recommending contact is like forcing a child to eat broccoli.

Many therapists recommend email communication for co parents. Writing an email can be non-threatening— if done properly. “Properly” is the key word here. I have spent years being copied on emails that frankly shocked me. Thus, to co-parent properly via email, parents can use a format that I call Kid News. Here’s what it might look like:

Kid News

School: Grades, homework, incidents at school, forms that need to be filled out etc. Health:   Colds, doctors’ appointments, dentist, counseling, moods, puberty etc. Financial: Payments due or parenting plan division of costs for activities, medical etc. Schedule Changes: Upcoming changes to the current schedule, changes in your child’s plans, residential and holiday times etc. Vacations: Clarification of times and plans – phone numbers etc. Upcoming Events: Social, school, extracurricular or sport activities in which your child has expressed an interest.
Each family will have different items in their “Kid News.” Issues can be added as they arise. There are, however, two things to keep in mind. Firstly, children do best when they travel home to home rather than planet to planet. That is to say, that a consistent daily schedule is important. For instance, if while at mom’s home the child does his homework right after school, it is best if he does his homework after school at dad’s house too. If the schedule can be kept as consistent as possible, then the children will flow from one home to the other with ease.

Secondly, children have moods, develop phobias, and change developmentally rather quickly. “Kids News” can be a place to share concerns or observed changes. Finally, it is important to note that this is not the forum to discuss issues between parents. A line must be drawn between your personal relationship and your co-parenting responsibilities.

To make this work, parents pick a day to send their news based on the parenting plan schedule. If you drop off the children to their other home on Sunday night, send the Kid News on Monday. Write the newsletter using only the facts: “David had a cold this weekend. He rested and seems to be doing fine now.” Or “Julie gave me a form for school pictures. I copied it and put the form back in her backpack.” And be sure not to give instructions to the other parent like, “Make sure you give David his cough syrup at night.” You can say, “He slept well when he was given cough syrup at night.” Co parents must realize their range of influence over the other parent is limited. In my experience most parent-to-parent challenges are due to the desire for control over the other parent.

Both parents need to send news from their personal perspective and experience with the children. Always respond to the other parent’s news. Check through each item to see if a response is needed and, if not, thank the other parent for the effort. This will limit needless email contact. Finally, if you are the parent who is interested in Kid News and the other is not, continue to write. The other parent’s behavior should not influence the way you do your job.

Copyright 2008 Parent Education Group – Reprints Accepted – Two links must be active in the bio. The article homepage: http://www.familyauthority.com/articles/divorce_support.html