So you are a new parent? Congratulations! Welcoming a new child into a family is an exciting, thrilling time. It can be scary, too, of course. And rightly so. No where else in life will you experience the rollercoaster of life more than in the game of parenting. I know because I have four children and have been parenting for more than two decades. What words of wisdom for new parents can I offer you? Well, if I was to start all over with my kids, I’d want to know that there is an art and a science to the skill of raising a child.

The Art of Parenting.

This is the heart of your parenting. You love your child. You want the very best for him. You envision years of happy times together. This is all good! The feelings and desires you have for your family will motivate you when times get tough. And you can be certain, times will get tough. It’s simply the nature of the beast.

You can establish strong heart bonds with your child by intentionally cultivating the relationship with her. Starting as a baby, spend time with your little one. As one who has been there, done that, I can assure you there is no substitute for time spent with your child.

Get to know this new human. Figure out her personality, her quirks, her talents, her frustrations. This will do several things for both of you as your child grows.

* Allow you to be the person she trusts. Your tender knowledge of her will prove your trustworthiness to her time and time again. She will know you are the person she can come to, anytime, with anything. This will be invaluable all through her young life, and especially as she travels through the teen years.

* Give you knowledge that will help you guide her through the pitfalls she must traverse. Instead of wringing your hands and worrying, you will be in a much better position to take positive action as necessary. Remember, you cannot control your child, but you do have tremendous influence over her as her parent.

* Cause you to deepen your love for your child. Whenever you deepen a relationship, the result is a tighter bond. Yes, I’ll admit this is why you will hurt at times over your child. But deepening your love for your family is what will enable you to make the necessary sacrifices to care for them in the ways they will need.
No one said parenting is easy. But it can be extremely rewarding.

The Science of Parenting.

This is the head or thinking side of your parenting. This is where you apply all the skills you use in other areas of your life to improve yourself as a parent.

For example, you probably had some sort of education to be trained in your current job or career. Perhaps it took you years to learn your career skills. Perhaps it was simply a matter of on-the-job training. Whatever it was, you knew there was a learning curve involved. You may have continuing education requirements for your career, as well.

Thoughtful wisdom in parenting dictates there is also a learning curve. This is definitely an on-the-job type of training, but you needn’t feel overwhelmed. Parenting is the most popular career field on the planet. There is no shortage of books, seminars, classes, and mentors available to you concerning this topic.

Like any career, you’ll need to do a little research to determine which voices to listen to. I recommend making a list of all the parents you know who are raising their children in ways in which you respect. These are the voices to begin to listen to.

Be flexible in your parenting. What works in one season of your family’s life may not work as well in another. And what works beautifully with one child may fail miserably with another child. As you maneuver through the science of parenting, let your heart (art) be your guide. I am a firm believer that no one knows a child the way that child’s parent does. As you listen to other parents and learn through parenting resources, listen with your heart. Will this material work in my family? Could I adapt it to work more specifically for my family’s situation? Feel free to try parenting ideas and make adjustments over time. Very few ideas will work the first time, but many ideas will be invaluable over the long haul.

The last bit of wisdom for new parents I’d like to offer is this: give yourself a break. If you are loving your child and working to learn what you can about the parenting game, you are probably doing a wonderful job. Kids are flexible and can stand up to most of our mistakes. Have a humble and grateful heart and be determined to do whatever you need to do as a parent and you’ll do great.

There is nothing as exciting, fulfilling and joyful as becoming a parent for the first time. First time parenthood however, can also be fraught with tremendous stress brought about by anticipation, preparation and caring for a little creature who can’t tell you what he needs or wants. For people who have actively sought parenthood however, it is probably this additional aspect of stress and tension that makes parenthood such a wonderfully strengthening and humbling experience. For first time parents, a useful parenting resource is a must.

Since time immemorial, new parents could always have ready access to any parenting resource. They could either ask close relatives and friends for sound pieces of advice or they could look for other parenting resource traditional sources. The library or bookstore for example can have a good parenting resource or two lying around. Expectant parents usually read a parenting resource book or watch a parenting resource video or film. Many can attest that such methods have held some merit. This is especially so because most famous parenting resource materials that come out in print or film have been made by expert individuals who actually publish their credentials. Parents can also benefit from a bestseller parenting resource that is sure to contain effective information.

Recently however, with the arrival of the internet, parents can also choose to get a parenting resource online. The question is whether an online parenting resource is as good as traditional ones. The internet can offer a wealth of resources for a clueless parent. Aside from selling traditional resources online, one can also choose to use a parenting resource article or e-book. There are now also available support groups and blogs or forums were parents can interact and swap practical information. The good thing about the internet is that you can check on a parenting resource without having to go out of your way. You can stay in the comfort of your home and still be well advised or informed.
In a lot of cases, a parenting resource from the internet can truly dish out good and reliable information and tips. As with everything else however, one should be careful with an online parenting resource. It may be a generally good idea to take advice from seasoned parents in forums. You can also probably take some tips from articles and online parenting resource materials that are authored by experts. Be wary however of the parenting resource that has uncertain origins or that talk about such sensitive topics as child medication or treatment. You may be endangering your child if you take note of pieces of advice from ghost writers who may not actually know what they’re talking about or from internet entities masquerading as experts.

The best thing to do is to check the credentials or origin of your parenting resource. Try researching about the names of Dr. so and so and the applicability, effectiveness, disadvantages and side effects or suggested procedures or child raising strategies. If you are particularly interested in critical and serious areas of concern, try getting into web sites that carry a .org or .gov in its address. This is especially applicable for such concerns as child safety, treatment or grave physical or psychological problems.

A little over a week ago, Adam provided us with three great insights for parenting troubled, angry teens. Before reading this article, I encourage you to please read the first article about managing aggressive teens. As a recap, the first three points were

1. The parent should always control themselves.

2. The parent needs to recognize the signs of potential aggressiveness in their teen.

3. If a parent is the source of the problem, they need to remove themselves.

So what does it mean, that a “parent should always control themselves”? It sounds simple and self-explanatory, but isn’t there more to this simple truth? Or, am I just missing the point?

Parenting Troubled Teens Requires Parental Self-Control

I asked Adam if he could elaborate on the first point being discussed. I asked questions such as:

1. The parents are the boss, why can’t they react to their teen’s angry behaviors?

2. What are the repercussions if parents do not control themselves?

3. How can a self-controlled parent calm an aggressive situation with their teen?

So what is the point for parents practicing self control with their angry teen? Some of his answers are as follows. Adam said, “Controlling one’s self IS the point. A parent cannot control the actions of their teen. That’s an ever common problem. The parent attempts to control the behavior of the teen by making it worse (yelling, aggressive behavior, grounding, belittling, etc).
Behavior modification is most effective when it comes from behavior modeling. In other words, the parent MUST set the tone of the conversation. Realizing that the object is to get through the “moment” in a civil, caring and loving way. Even if the outcome is not desirable. With each “modeled” moment, the teen will see new responses to the ongoing situation.

The situation must be dealt with. In other words, the parent should not run around the issue, rather attack it head on being honest and open, BUT in control of their own emotions.”

Parents Cannot Control Their Teens, Even if the Outcome is Not Desirable

The sad truth is that many parents do not control themselves when their troubled teens are acting out. They react, yell, belittle, etc… I’m not talking down to you -the parent- because I know it’s next to impossible to control your actions when your angry teen is yelling at you, swearing, threatening, and even physically demolishing your home and belongings.

Really, what parent is perfect in this? None. BUT, with practice and dedication, you CAN learn how to control yourself when your teen is aggressive and out of control.

Your struggling teen WILL see the change in you, and your teen will learn that even though he/she is angry, they don’t have to respond aggressively. You cannot control your teen, but you can change your response to one that is loving, caring, and civil.

This isn’t easy…we know. But, we encourage you to take these steps in parenting your teen.

1. You cannot control the actions of your teen.

2. You MUST set the tone of the conversation.

3. Your goal is to get through the “moment” in a civil, caring and loving way, even if the outcome is not desirable.

We are here to support you, and if you ever have a question or want a community to talk to other parents about your teen, please join our forum. You are doing a great job, please continue and be encouraged that we are here for you and know what you are going through.

AN ARTICLE ON

WHAT IS AND WHAT IS NOT PROPER PARENTING

 

When you have a baby, the baby is indeed helpless you as the parent/parents need to do everything for that child, until he/she can start doing things on his/her own, walking, talking etc.

What some parents ought to know is that parenting is not just having a child and just knowing you are the mother or father and nothing doing what a real parent should be doing. In other words some parent thinks that letting the child/children have their own way without properly monitoring them they are going to gain that child. This kind of thinking is absolutely absurd and can lead into major difficulties for you and that child as he/she grows older.

Always remember that you are the parent and if the both parents are around that there should only be one man/woman in that house until that child reaches the full age of adulthood. Children are very smart I would say that as soon as a child is born their senses are well in tack as long as, it’s a normal child. In some cases it takes a longer time to develop in some people.

From the time a child get enough sense as small as they are when they do wrong we need to correct them. If it’s a baby or a toddler you deal with them according to their ages. You won’t slap a baby as if it’s a seven year old, but whatever measure you take to put that child in order let your message be sent across.

Never beat a child without letting them know what they are getting the whipping for. I must mention that there are other techniques other than using the rod. Punishments seems to work a lot, e.g. take away something they cherish very much, ground them or try talking  and see if it would resolve the situation .

As small as that child may be his/her brain already sends a message to let them know daddy/granny/aunty don’t correct me when I do such and such. If when that chid is around the mother knowing that when he does something out of the way, mummy would be very quick to correct, he/she would seldom do it around her.

Each parent little motto should be: Spare not the rod and spoil the child

When children are spoiled you breed what I’d call 100% brats. Some people thinks that it works that everything a child asks for you give them. You have to let your children know that everything in this world don’t come easily. If on the other hand you do vice versa that very same child that you think will love you very much for the manner in which you deal with him/her. It would back fire on you someday believe it or not, you would be embarrassed when you take them to town/city and you don’t have money to purchase that extra toy, etc.

I have seen it over and over where children literally starts to scream and bawl throw themselves on the ground yelling and kicking up, "I want that toy". Parents stand amazed in awe! Not knowing what to do to bring this child back to his/her composure.

As parents you all love your children and would do almost anything to keep them out of harms way; you sometimes would rather die in that child’s place. Although love compromises sometimes you ought to know your limit, and that is you are in charge. Don’t let that child rule you especially when they abide under your roof. Let them know their places and that you all weren’t delivered around the same time in the hospital, or changed diapers together. Children respond to what they see and hear, if you gave them their own way always that’s what they’ll want forever. If perhaps someday you don’t give them their own way, some will say all sought of demeaning things to you, might even kill you. So stop it right now get a back bone put away the wish bone be men and women in your homes.

If an egg is rotten and you still cook it, it will still be rotten when it’s finish cooking. Just the same with a child rotten once, then rotten for life. They may live to be 90 years and still want everyone to give them their way all the time.

Parents you ought to learn that LOVE is not being goody good all the time. You have to correct your children when they do wrong, spank them when they need it, there is a time for everything. Remember that chastening drives foolishness far away.

Most of you modern day parents I am almost 85% positive you weren’t brought up that way .Oh how we need those all fashion days. When you speak to your child and he or she speaks back to you rudely, don’t just sit there and let them go on. Turn back that curtain of memory and see what your parent would have done to you if  you had answered back, whatever you see and it did help you to stop being rude, then try it on your child as long as it isn’t violence.

Today when we look around children curse their parents, beat them, kill and some are now raping what have this world come to? Then just ask yourself why? Who? What?  How? and When? Most of the time the parents are to be blamed. Grow up a child in the way you want it to be and they shall never depart from it. If you do wrong things in front your child/ children, they wouldn’t have respect for you. Therefore if you try to correct them you would get back words that can make your heart want to give up.

 Some children get to hate you when they grow older and say to themselves if mummy and daddy had corrected me when I did wrong. I wouldn’t be in this situation today, all what you did to gain your child’s love when down the river.

As I am on this topic I must mention that the not beating children law United States of America have is totally intolerant. That’s why they do what they want, go and come when they feel like it, get involved in drugs, prostitution, lesbianism, homosexuality etc. A child needs someone to show them the right part and when a parent could hardly speak to their own child, before the child hit the parent or starts shouting at them and running to call the cops for everything.

When you hear or see these things going wrong etc.  Don’t let it tingle your toes and ears. Change those foolish laws and things may fall into its right perspective.

Children need to feel appreciate and loved by their parents and loved one. Always make time for your family, carry them out, and teach them to pray and learn manners, how to be grateful for what they have, show them how to do things, how to behave themselves at home and out.
Mothers you are your child/children  role model I only mean in the right way. When the father is away from home, you have to take up his role sometimes. Never let your children pressure you to the point where you say "you see you I can’t handle you". When you do that they would take advantage of you.

 Let them know that when your friends come over that it’s not their friends and they need to get lost. Not sticking around and poking their mouths and heads into big people business.

Also mothers if it’s possible where you can survive being a house wife. Try you best; I know it maybe hard depending on the society we live in where everybody wants to be independent. Think about it this way that giving up one thing for another and that is a well grounded child. That would always love and appreciate you.

For all your patience, love kindness and nurturing you gave to them. When they most needed it, and if ever a child needs you is from day one and especially when they reaches adolescence. Telling them about how to try and be prepared for the life ahead. Let your girls know about their monthlies etc. Where they are confused and don’t understand the changes they are going through. The taught that runs through their mind e.g. thinking about boys/girls whereas they never had time for that before.

That’s the time they need someone to reach out to them to let them know you went through it and they can make it to. Teach them about life and what it enta
ils. They may want to ask you questions that you never expected they would.

If you don’t know or feels embarrass about it find a nice way in telling them. Don’t leave it up to them to find out, they could go asking the wrong person and there are lots of Sharks just waiting to devour their prey. Before you know it you child is gone.

Know who are your children’s friends, check out the places they go and what they do. Just don’t sit back and believe everything they tell you, e.g. they going to the mall and when you know wake up you realise that he/she has been going to the wrong places.

Another thing is that parents also need to know there limit. You have to learn that when children get older you can’t speak to them as if they are still small, e.g. If you have a 30 year old married son and you still want to send him on errands etc in a demanding approach. They may do it but look at you as taking away their manhood/womanhood and belittling them. A next e.g. is remembered as they get older they would start wanting to be independent; you have to give some slack.

 Trust them, that don’t mean you’d just stop being a parent. Never believe everything your child says, if you get a complain investigate. We were all born liars, so don’t put it far from them, don’t let the little angelic face fool you. Children do the most outrageous things behind their parents back. Then hide behind your sympathy and affection for them.

If you want respect show some to them, can’t treat them any how and expect them to respond to you nicely. Think about when you were there age how you were and then your thinking and understanding would change if it hasn’t, you should always try to be your children’s best friend.

Also when you are wrong acknowledge it and humble yourself, don’t feel that you are too big. We are all human beings so we’ll   make mistakes.

So parents grab a hold of yourselves and stop drifting, and we would have better children in this world. If you are not doing any of the right things I said above. Then you are not fit to be a parent.

 

Done by: Abigail Chandler

Date: March 19th, 2009 

From: Trinidad, West Indies

 

 

 

 

“As parents, what’s really our role?”

I asked a group of parents during my lecture on family and emotional intelligence. Each one had an opinion about children and parenting.

“Feed them,” said one. “Clothe them,” said another. Soon, others shared their ideas.

“Love them.”

“Provide a comfortable home.”

“Discipline them.”

“Give them toys.”

“Great!” I said. “But why do you have to feed them, love them, shelter them, discipline them, and clothe them?” Then I paused and gave them some time to think.

“For what?”

Most parents knew the answer but nobody could articulate their thoughts. A long silence followed my question and that was the most deafening silence I experienced in a while. As I glanced at the audience, everyone avoided eye contact and distressed about the possibility of being called.

I love to pose this question. As you know, parents and children have different roles. On one hand, parents have the primary obligation to provide a safe, loving, and motivating environment. On the other hand, children are tasked to learn as much as possible from their parents. Unfortunately in some families, parents and children switch roles, that is, some parents act like children, and vice versa.

“Why?” I threw the question again hoping that someone would have the courage to share ideas.

After a long, uncomfortable pause, a woman in her thirties responded, “Because we want them to do the same thing to their own children.” A man in red shirt followed, “Because that’s the right thing to do.” A young parent in her twenties said, “So they can become successful.”
No question, all parents are right. But parenting is not just about leaving a legacy or doing the right thing or showering love and comfort. Sure, it’s great to do all these. But if we only focus on them, we’re missing an important point.

Our role as parents is to raise our kids so they can expand their positive influence.

In essence, we should provide the necessary environment so they can appreciate and nurture what they have, and love who they are. Our goal is to let them share their strengths to make this world a better place for others.

Indeed, our purpose is to establish the right atmosphere so they can make a difference and find their rightful place in this wonderful creation.

Perhaps you’ll question my premise and declare it as simply ramblings of a shrink. But let me ask you these:

What’s the use of having a comfortable home when kids can’t appreciate what they have, when they complain and whine as often as they blink?

What’s the use of giving them expensive toys when they can’t even lift a finger to wash the dishes and are too bored to use and share their talents and skills?

What’s the use of giving them unconditional love when they don’t share their love to others?

Parenting is a special mission, not just a chore. It is a noble undertaking, not just a mindless task. It is the only calling that consistently develops future teachers, builders, creators, innovators, discoverers, healers, caretakers, artists, ministers, and many more.

Parenting is like gardening. Like any dedicated gardeners, we ensure that plants bloom in summer and withstand the harsh winter. For plants to thrive, they need our frequent attention and focus, and require adequate supply of fertilizer, sunshine, and water. Moreover, they need protection from sneaky weeds that leisurely devour the nutrients necessary for their growth.

The Holy Creator gave us this awesome responsibility to nurture a child for His own purpose. It’s an honor to have a task of this magnitude. We’re in this earth temporarily so we should be serious about fulfilling this splendid role.

As Kahlil Gibran, a renowned philosopher, said, “Your children are not your children. . . They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. . .You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth . . .”

Yes, our children are not ours. They are God’s children with a special mission called Operation: Progress Earth. As parents, our solemn duty is to help them accomplish their divine assignment.

Let’s face it, we all want to avoid making the same mistakes raising our kids we believe our parents or surrogate parents made raising us. This is especially the case when we still hold grudges toward parents for what has or has not become of us. Under this historical cloud, we know yet may not admit to the old adage: “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” What this adage speaks to is the IMPOSSIBILITY of NEVER being like the parents we recall as having “screwed us up.” As much as we swear that we will never treat our kids the way we were treated, the moments inevitably arise when we sound and act like our parents. This is human nature. We will on occasion, identify and repeat the most noxious and self defeating parenting practices employed by our parents.

I am excluding from this discussion all parenting practices that are criminal and traumatic if they occurred even once. I am referring only, to behaviors we are all guilty of from time to time and, that are only damaging if they persist unchecked over the course of many years. Such behaviors are not an immediate cause for concern. Some examples are: Yelling at our kids, being overly critical of them, and disciplining them in ways that are unfair and unreasonable. An occasional instance of poor judgment on our parts will not damage our children’s psyches. Our children will survive the inevitable physical bumps and bruises in exploring their worlds. Likewise, “good enough” parenting is imperfect and fraught with painful yet, invaluable learning experiences. As parents and children work out their differences emotional bumps and bruises will be looked upon in retrospect as developmental markers.

The real yet, too often overlooked potential for us to do harm to our kids may stem from the unintentional consequences of our obsessive and compulsive dread that we have been hopelessly “screwed up” by our parents and now these scars will render us helpless but, to “screw up” our own kids.   Our horror at our own actions whether admitted or not, is not an accurate barometer of our parental abuses of power.  More accurately, it is a barometer of ill will we still harbor toward parents we still behave like from time to time. The problems we create for ourselves originate with the labels attached to these grudges. We tend to generalize offensive and perhaps, injurious traits into blanket characterizations that are believed to be as amenable to change as spots on a leopard. Therefore, when faced with painful likenesses to our parents we are apt to judge ourselves as “bad,” “inadequate,” “unlovable,” etc., in the most unforgiving manner imaginable. Although, we are responsible for turning against ourselves we often deny responsibility for, and try to divorce ourselves from these negative identifications with parental figures we have not forgiven. We all do this to varying degrees by blaming our children for triggering the feelings we associate with these negative labels when “they push our buttons.”
In these moments when we get lost in self centered, emotional time warps, we stop thinking about how our actions may affect our children. In fact, the more years we wear a lament across our chest that reads: “Oh, I could’ve been _____or done_____ by now if my childhood had been different,” the more we tend to blame our children each and every time they push our buttons and remind us which tree we haven’t fallen too far from. These are expectable, normal and correctable bumps along the parenting trail. If we can accept what has happened to us and who we are today, we are in a position to work on and change those qualities we find distasteful. If not, we are likely to make our children miserable for what our parents made us miserable over.

For example, if we confuse even healthy self interest with a parent who was hated for being self centered, distant and uninvolved during our formative years, we may get in touch with self hatred and guilt and wind up resenting our children, when they loudly protest our requests for quiet time for ourselves. If however, we are able to take a step back, own, accept, and reflect on our reactions, we may within a minute or two calmly communicate to our children that our needs count too and that they must learn to respect them as important.

If after reading this article you are not even a glimmer more hopeful of changing ineffective parenting practices that need to be changed perhaps, you will delve deeper into the specific challenges you face raising your children. If you have already read the latest parenting primers, attended parenting classes, consulted your pediatrician, and still feel uneasy about what is happening at home you may benefit from a consult with a psychotherapist.